• Caren

evasive

9/20/06

first order of business: i've been given a drug by my new doctor (hooray for health insurance!) that is supposed to reduce rashes and itching. unfortunately, some of the side effects include:

nervousness increased heartrate inability to fall asleep and my favorite, which the doctor described as "...aaaaaand you might want to talk more."

so. increased loquacity, if that is even a word? that's wonderful. add that to the other side effects and what do you get? a nice supplement to my already-problematic social skills.

second order of business: a friend called me last night and we had a talk and some good laughs, but somewhere in the conversation she said, "i feel like something is missing, and i can't put my finger on it. did i do something wrong? i don't know what it is..."

freaky thing is, i can remember writing the same same thing, almost word-for-word, in my journal many many unspeakably many times, especially concentrated within the last six months or so. i also know that the last time i wrote that, or thought that, was at least three weeks ago.

and this morning, at about two, my eyes were still open, and as i flipped over and smushed my pillow under my face, this crossed my mind: "i think i'm happy."

to quote marlin, "and that's a big deal, for me."

can't say what changed it. and that's almost as frustrating as being unhappy with no cause, especially when another person i care about feels that way. not that much has changed, externally. but what can i say about the internal changes? i thought i was at my breaking point then, i thought i had done everything i could do, and when i gave up, maybe that's when something actually happened. i don't know.

and there you go.

let's hope it's not a hormonal cycle.

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