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  • Writer's pictureCaren

the store virgin


among all the feisty teenagers, f**k-the-world twentysomethings, and living-with-mommy thirtysomethings that i work with at starbucks, i have unintentionally established a shining reputation as The Store Virgin.

FYI: historically, the Store Virgin is as essential to the community as the Village Idiot or the Town Crier. think of it this way: if a dragon or some other beast were to descend upon edgewater starbucks, i'd be the only one eligible to sacrifice. yeah what.

don't know how it became public information. well, i didn't try to hide it, but i didn't brag about it either (it always seemed to me that the girls who bragged about their virginity were the ones most secretly eager to lose it). the discovery was made by my coworker justin, who has a taste for japanese boy bands. or japanese boys. mostly boys in general.

justin: are you a virgin? caren: yes. justin: REALLY? caren: indeed. justin: [looking caren up and down] there is a certain air of impenetrability around you. caren: thanks.

even the high school kids have done it. and if i were to believe the stories, these kids are at a whole other level... like, boss stage sex. koopa sex. maybe this betrays my poorly-hidden conservatism, but DANG, parents, lock up your dirty dirty children.

i had no idea that being a virgin would make a person such an anomaly at twenty-three. i dunno, i guess i never thought it would be a big deal. i'd always thought that sex was something people were simultaneously proud of/ ashamed of/ private about, like poetry writing. so the only people you chose to talk to about it should know about it. but i've learned that many people talk about sex all the time, to all people, big and small. and some people have Virgin Detectors, and i happen to emit waves of Virginity. justin isn't the first person who has out-of-the-blue smacked me with the "wait-a-sec... are you a virgin?!" question. it happened in college:

friends: hey caren, we're going to The Jug [the local dive bar]. wanna come? caren: no, i'm not in the mood to get felt up by a drunken frat boy. friends: wait a sec--are you a virgin?!

at westwood starbucks:

kathryn: caren, do you have a boyfriend? caren: negative. kathryn: do you have a girlfriend? caren: nopes. kathryn: wait a sec--are you a virgin?!

at my old BMCC job:

caren: let's get pizza for lunch. anita: wait a sec, are you a virgin? caren: what the crap??

fuschia, humming, pulsating waves of virginity.

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