• Caren

God, or the Universe


it's an unfortunate fact that i seem to have inherited my father's overdeveloped penchant for sarcasm. it is an even more unfortunate fact that my mother appears to have been born without this organ; in its place, she has an oddly shaped pity-and-compassion appendage, which does not at all serve as a substitute.

unrelated: if i didn't believe in God, i would say that the Universe is mocking me. i would say that the Universe, this time, arranged that I be presented with something perfectly good—no, better than good—so that it could watch me leave it behind.

but i don’t believe in a universe with a capital U; in fact, I believe in God, and i don't think He is primarily mean. therefore, i cannot conclude from this event and others past that he arranges uncomfortable scenarios simply because he thinks it's funny.

i also cannot conclude, from past episodes with potheads, divorcees, friends' exes, married men, gay women, guys who are way too young/way too old, and add to the list perfectly wonderful individuals that i don’t want, that they were summoned and sent to me for the purpose of highlighting how alone i actually am.

(it should also be obvious that i must recognize that they weren’t sent to me at all. it would be appropriate to say, with rolled eyes, that it is so like me to think that they could be. if they have become now only a word in a list meant to sum up my past, it is because i am still, staunchly, foolishly, convinced that it really is all about me.)

so here is a question:

is it God, or is it the Universe? the Universe likes to send me ironic little messages. the Universe is occasionally a bitch.

God, on the other hand, doesn’t like to see me cry.