leading worship sometimes sucks
prepping for worship sometimes sucks. it's inescapable for us to always have mixed-up motivations and wrong ideas, but i still wish i could quit all of these for a couple days prior to when i have to get up in front of people in church. i wish i could be a model of purity and humble obedience, yada yada yada. but i'm not.
i wish God would show me what songs to pick, and i wish that people would sing loudly so i don't feel so lonely and scared when i'm up there, plunking away at the electric piano. but that ain't the way it goes.
if leading worship, or preaching, or teaching, or evangelizing, was so much tied up in how good we are, then it would make sense that the weeks when i do my QTs and feel peace and share the gospel would be the weeks that people would weep like babies as i led the singing at church. (is weeping like babies a good measure of a successful worship set?)
but the weeks that i gossip about a coworker and watch naughty movies, and i don't recycle or pray, should be weeks when everyone sits stone-silent at worship as i beg the earth to open and swallow me whole. on the weeks when i'm a jerk to my mother, there should be a Holy Spirit-less void. right?
but it never works out like that. there is no easy cause-and-effect. i can't summon God with my goodness, just like i can't repel him with my badness.
so now what?
i guess i should pick some songs.